6:52 p.m. - 2016-02-15
so fucking tired
I haven't written in here in quite a while and I feel like it's long overdue. I need to vent to someone or something or I'm going to explode.
I'm pregnant again and the baby's due date is February 29th. I feel like shit all the time and I can't do anything except sit around and feel miserable. I can't wait for her to come out already. We decided to name her Sophia Elizabeth because of the thousands of names we (well mainly just me, the only name he ever suggested was Theresa...ugh, no) thought about, it's the only one my husband and I could agree on. Hannah and Dora are super excited to have another sister but John isn't happy he still isn't getting a boy. I don't care either way. Gender doesn't matter as long as they come out healthy and whole.
I am worried about raising three kids, though. The two I have already are hard enough and now we're going to have another. But what can I do? I want Sophia no matter how difficult it's going to be and I guess I'll just have to trust that things are going to work out somehow. I love my kids. They're the only people that can make me feel like life isn't one big ball of shit most days. They make me smile even when I'm feeling down and no matter how much they piss me off or irritate me, I still love them so much it hurts.
John is the same but it's much different with him. I love him more than any man I ever did before. We've been together 12 years now and I couldn't imagine life without him but...sometimes I wonder. It seems like the older we get the less we can communicate productively. I feel like he's still a child in a lot of ways and he's a fucking 34 year old man. I'm tired of asking him to be a man and take responsibility for the stupid shit he does. It's like I already have three kids and now with Sophia it's going to be four. What the fuck am I going to do?
I love him, I know I do because you can't just turn it off like a faucet. I hate him a little sometimes too, though. I hate that I have to ask him to do things he knows damn well he should already be doing. I hate that every time I ask him why he didn't do this or that it's always because of something I did. 'Why didn't you take out the trash?' 'Because you... 'Why are the kids covered in mud?' 'Because you...' 'Why can't you get some body soap on your way home from work?' 'Because you...' And fucking repeat.
Twelve years of hearing the same fucking excuse gets REALLY old. It's not that he can't remember stuff. No, he remembers the things HE needs. John needs shoes by god he'll get them the very next day. I need shoes? Yep, here I sit still waiting for over a week. Oh and if it's something REALLY important it's always up to me to remember. Like the fact that I had a doctors appointment today. I asked him twenty fucking times to get my papers out of the glovebox since fucking Wednesday night and he said yeah, yeah. But he didn't get it. So I ask him again last night and same thing. I am nine months pregnant, my feet look like balloons, my back hurts, my hips hurt, walking is agony but for 5 nights he can't be bothered to do one little thing for me. I missed my appointment today and now they say if I miss one more I have to find another doctor. I wanted to kill him.
Everything is always on me to remember, or to make sure about.
He doesn't seem to give a shit about what I need or what he can do to help. No, no. He can sit there and argue with me and tell me everything is my fault though when I'm balling my eyes out. Not an 'I'm sorry' or a 'don't cry' or anything. Nope. Just the same old 'because you, you, you' bullshit. Oh and he said this afternoon that he'd looked in the glovebox and couldn't find those papers anywhere. Then, twenty minutes later, on his way to work again, he mysteriously finds them after all. Because he never looked in the first fucking place even after almost a WEEK of asking him!
I'm just so tired. All the time I'm tired and I can't get any help from the one and only adult that I ever have contact with. He can't be bothered to help his own wife but he'll cross three towns to go help his retarded ass friend with something equally retarded. He'll run and get cigarettes for the neighbor but he can't do the same for me when I want something. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I believe he'd be willing to help almost anyone before he'll help me. His friend needs something and he's running out the door. His pregnant wife needs antacids because she's waking up choking on her own stomach acid in the middle of the night and he might remember after three or four days of asking.
Everyone says I need to get my driver's license and I just laugh. What will that help, I wonder? How? I'm 31 years old and I've NEVER had one. He takes the car for work anyway, he's a fucking delivery driver. Oh and then I could do what with it while he's home? Fuck all, that's what. Go fucking where, do fucking what? Drive myself to the doc, go to the grocery store? While he...what? Sits at home and does nothing? He won't clean up. He'll play video games or go fishing or literally anything else. I physically can't with this huge beach ball in my belly and he just won't. I am out of breath after bending over and he just sits on his ass while he's home. Even when he will do it, it's the most half-assed, shitty job he could've done.
I think about leaving him sometimes because I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of being ignored and entirely dismissed from his mind as soon as I'm finished talking to him. I'm tired of being responsible for three people while he's only responsible for himself. I'm tired of having to scream and rage and cry before he'll listen to me.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off by myself. I love him but I'm tired of him. I'm tired of being the bitch at fault for everything. I'm tired of being his 'burden' while he's happy to help anyone else with whatever they need or want. And it's only getting worse...every fucking day it's worse.

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